Monday, 19 September 2011

A Crisis Of Confidence

Well Kitty has been at school for two weeks now and has adapted very quickly and actually enjoys going every morning, which is such a relief.  She is tired by the time she comes home but soon recovers after half an hour of tv, a snack and a drink.  Once or twice she has said I missed you today mummy, which I quickly reply, 'I missed you too'.  And I do miss her. 

Having been at home for thirteen years with my children and working from home for the past couple of years I guess didn't realise how different life would be when all my children headed off to school.  I had wonderful plans, still do, but today I am having a little wobble, a crisis of confidence.  Perhaps I should look for a part time job to help pass some time, instead of working endlessly on ideas that never quite come to fruition.  Also I have to admit it would be lovely to get to the end of each month and know I would have earnt 'x' amount! I love the flexibility of freelancing but hate not knowing how much, if anything, that I will earn each month. At least by combining working part time as an employee and freelancing I would have a regular income.

But then who would employ me! I haven't had a 'proper' job for thirteen years. I also have lost direction a little and wouldn't know what I would want to do, not that there are many part time jobs for mothers.  My biggest problem is that I would love to do so many things! I would have been in my final year of a degree in Diagnostic Radiography this year if the university had more space for placement at our local hospital, but they only had space left for hospitals in Cambridge & Peterborough, so I declined my place.  I still wonder if I should have pursued a career in Psychology and looked into the graduate conversion course with the Open University to obtain a degree in Pyschology.  The other day I flicked through Connors Biology book and wondered if I should do an A level in Biology and apply to train to be a childrens nurse. 

I'm not sure where my obsession with the medical profession comes from as I am so clearly an Arts & Humanities girl! Maybe we all have the urge to do something completly different, to change course.  Perhaps I am having a mid life crisis a little too young, which is slightly worrying! I'm hoping somebody is now going to tell me this is perfectly normal.

Meanwhile I'll have a cup of tea and ponder a little more.

Take care


Once Upon a Time in the North said...

Oh Zoe I don't know what to say. I would love to offer advice and help you come to a conclusion. But to be honest I'm pretty much in the same boat. In fact I was about to search for a teachng assistant job straight after reading your post!

I left my job a few years ago because it wasn't creative enough, I even considered doing an MA. I really don't regret leaving but, you are correct in saying that a regular wage is lovely.

You are so perfectly normal and maybe you should just enjoy your time- Christmas will soon be here and what mum has head space then?

I'm so sorry that I have been of no help. I think I just wanted to let you know that there are many mums feeling the same as you!!


Zoe Grant said...

Thank you so much Grace, it helps just to know I'm not alone. I hope you find a solution aswell.

Take care

Linnhe Mara said...

Zoe, it's perfectly normal.

I had myself convinced that I would go back to work once my boys were at school. The problem I faced, the one we all seem to face, is deciding what to go back to. I looked into nursing and teaching, thought about retail, even started working on a business plan for a crafts/demonstration/workshop space. None of it came to fruition! Why? Because I was thinking about doing them for all the wrong reasons.

I think you have to decide why you feel the need to work. I decided we could manage financially without another 'regular' wage. My boys still needed me at home even as they got older. I didn't have to worry about taking time off during holidays or finding cover if one of them was ill and had to stay at home.

The biggest hurdle to overcome however is the fact that many of us don't value what we do on a daily basis and feel the need to be defined by a job title. You are a talented, creative woman who has a lot to offer, to family, friends and of course the blogging community ;o) Take time to think about what You really want, not what you think is expected of you.

Rant over!
Take care

Zoe Grant said...

Thank you so much Linnhe. I really appreciated your comments.

I think we have become so focussed on defining ourselves with a job title that we forget what it was that we wanted to do!

Whilst I do need to work to contribute to the household income I want the flexibility to be at home for my children. Perhaps I just to need to appreciate that this will bring with it a flexible income!


Kristopher K said...

Oh Zoe, I really understand how you feel
- so as far as I'm concerned ~ all perfectly normal :)

I think creative people are always looking for the next challenge and enjoy mixing things up and learning new skills.
Getting the work / family balance right is different for everyone, so I really hope you take a little pressure of yourself and trust that your creativity (of which you have bucketloads) will in time find you, your perfect solution.

Meanwhile enjoy that cup of tea ... and maybe a sweet biscuit or two :)

Zoe Grant said...

Thank you so much Kris. Since writing this post I have stoped fretting quite so much and hopefully I will find my niche, my creative home!!

Related Posts with Thumbnails